from the depths of the winter

from the depths of the winter, the wind and rain (no snow here!); from this darkness I call out.

my memories roll back to me, my feelings of despair overwhelm me.

can I not call out to Hashem? where is my emunah? can I not give over what is in my heart to Him? why is this darkness so stuck with such strong glue

I try to go back to my post from yesterday; I try to love and forgive and mother myself in my own pain. it is hard though- I feel “I CAN’T; I NEED HELP!”

I tell myself that darkness is proportionate to potential light. in places where there are extreme darkness, there can be great light.

I ought to attempt to ACCEPT, to have patience with myself, and surely Hashem will help me today as He does everyday

Advertisements

depression

it has come with a bam, like a high wave of the sea, washing me, carrying me under its tide

I struggle for breathes of air, gasping

it will pass

it will pass

but right now I don’t recognize myself- where is my spiritual. alive self?

will it pass as will this storm? this dreary weather?

and is it ME or is it NOT?? (who, where is the real me?)

From where does my help come? from Hashem, the Creator of Heavens and Earth. it is coming to teach me something and make me stronger; to create some imprint on my heart which I am yet unaware of- I will yet rise again!

Who is the man who desires true life? who loves days to see G-d’s goodness?… turn away from evil and do good (Psalms)

There are so many things which draw me away from being grounded. The internet, all the reality shows and pictures of others lives and stories of compassion which I love to watch- but when I do, who am I where am I what good am I doing? where is MY connection to Hashem? Where has it gone? can I not plug into my Source and gain light and life-force? Have I forsaken myself, my Creator, or this something that I had no control over?

I said to myself yesterday- my life is precious; there is a lot of good I can do in the world.

RISE UP, Trust in G-d; He will help You.

But what to DO, I ask? what does G-d want from me right now?

let it pass, you are in a lot of pain- you cannot fight it. have compassion and let go of judgment. Hashem will help.

Hashem, You provide for me

I would like to write a book called, “HELP! I am trying to cope with the fact that I can’t cope”.

There are SO many things to juggle in my life, and I am sure in your life too. So I feel that much of the time  I am just trying to cope with the fact that I cant cope; that I cant get all the things done that I want to, that I have to do things that are unpleasant (ie, laundry , dishes, cleanup) or else my home WILL fall apart (and me along with it). Somehow I have learned that when I am able to completely accept myself and all my shortcomings then everything does become OKAY and I SEE and KNOW that Hashem is helping me and everything will be fine, even if not the way I fantasize them to be.

surviving or living

The other week I saw my almost – 2 – year old crawling on the floor. He has been walking for many months now so of course I thought to myself how ironic it is that he is crawling instead of walking and don’t we adult humans do the same thing sometimes- we crawl through life when in fact we know how to walk quite well. We are just scared.

Today I feel as if I am not quite LIVING my life, but rather, just surviving. The kids have just gone back to school from an extended vacation so that was a huge challenge. I did OK. I took the kids to the mall, we helped make a Chanuka party (I made two big lasagnes that I did not really want to make but I did it for my husband). I generally maintained my inner balance. I prayed. I bought a bike and rode some with the kids and attempted to teach my 5-year old how to rise without training wheels (not successful… yet).

My back has started to hurt me a lot but I am pretty sure that it because I have not been walking much lately so this morning I slipped out of the house for a 15 minute walk in the misty rain. I got a bit wet but well it was invigorating and it eased the tension in my back and lifted my spirits.

Welcome to my blog

Here I will share with you insights into emunah (faithfulness to G-d) and daily living that I have gleamed from my daily life, from my interactions with my husband and kids (5; ages 2-11), from my struggles with my own inner self, and from my learning different books on Jewish thought (Michtav M’eliyahu, Alei Shur, and Sfas Emes, mostly).

The past few months have been quite a struggle with money. We are spending way beyond what we take in, and I have been davening (praying) that G-d should help us to be balanced in our finances, and that He should provide us in adundance with all our needs, physical, emotional, spiritual. Moreover, I am slowly learning to let go of that deep association that I have between wealth and security. Its that voice in my head that says I can only be happy and secure if I have a lot of extra money in the bank. I am slowly learning that while it is pleasant to be able to spend money freely and not have to think twice, and it feels nice to have a big bank account and a lot of investments- these things are NOT critical to my happiness or security. My happiness and security can come from the simple knowledge that G-d loves me and my family and He is providing for us all our needs. He is the one who sustains us, just as He sustains and provides for everyone.

I am slowly letting go of this inner drive that says to me WORK EARN MONEY, and it is being replaced, with G-d’s help, by an ability to LIVE each day and trust in Him, and open myself to His bounty and His miracles instead of trying to control the inflow on my own. This letting go allows me to focus on what really counts in my life right now- caring for myself, caring for my kids and my husband, and being the best possible mother that I can be!

Wishing you balance in your life!

Chaya Eva